Jill: A Weight Loss Blog (part 2)
Find out in part 2 what Jill learns in her next session, and how she adjusts to food no longer ruling her life.
Thursday 14th January
Hurrah! Didn't think this day was ever going to arrive. Session 2 with Adrian.
Not sure about today. I remember everything that was said to me. I was aware of him talking throughout and am not sure it was a good experience. It wasn't bad by any stretch of the imagination but I just don't feel that it was right for me. I am coming back on Monday to have 'the surgery'. Paid Adrian another £200 today.
Although I say it wasn't for me, I am full of energy and have been to the gym again.
Saturday 20th February
I think I have understood what Adrian means by being successful today. I am not where I want to be sizewise but there are fundamental changes in my behaviour that I have noticed.
When I started on this programme I had what I would call 'Feeder Syndrome.' I would buy the children cakes and sweets and pile extra food onto their plates rather than on mine.
I don't do that any more! I really do think I have cracked it. I am sure there will be times where I relapse but they are getting less and less often. It has got to the stage where my children have to ask me what's for lunch because I have forgotten to get them anything. Food no longer rules me.
I am in control!
Monday 22nd February
When you are fat and overweight there are things that you find difficult to do that thin people take for granted, and until today I hadn't really realised that the things I couldn't do were linked to my size. I know it seems trivial but I cannot explain how chuffed I was today to be able to cut my toe nails without having to stop after each nail to get my breath because my stomach was in the way. I had always just assumed that I wasn't very agile, or maybe I was just in denial of how fat I had become.
For years I have convinced myself that I have big calf muscles which is why I can't get boots to fit me - reality check - Duh, my calves are too big because they are fat! How do I know this? Because today I put on a 'normal' pair of boots and the zip did up all the way.
Maybe now I have a better relationship with food I need to accept exactly what it is that I have done to my body all these years and come to terms with the fact that I am not big boned or large framed. I was not always meant to be fat. I do not have fat genes and it is not because I have a slow metabolism. Furthermore it is not because of my PCOS or my heart drugs. It is all self induced. In effect, I may as well have just been injecting fat into my body for 20 years, no different to being an alcoholic or a drug addict, just easier to deny I suppose.
Having made this confession I now need to deal with it. Last time I saw Adrian he did a session with me about getting rid of the past. Perhaps this is what I am now doing. I do feel guilty about how my relationship with food has affected me and more importantly my children, but there is no point in worrying about what I have done as I can't change that, but I can change the future so I am now on a mission to a healthier, fitter and thinner life.
Wednesday 24th February
A really stressful day today. Issues to deal with at work. A day I hate. But although stressful, it was not food stressful. In the past, after a situation like I had to deal with today, I would have had a McDonalds or similar as I would have felt I deserved it. There was still some of that mentality today.
I went to the sweet shop, and what did I buy? NOTHING!
I walked out without spending a penny, not even for the kids because I didn't fancy anything. Wow, what a feeling of being in control. Loving it and so proud of myself.
Sunday 28th February
Off cloud nine and down to earth with a bump! Why do days like this still creep up on me when I least expect them? It is like a huge need from within me to rebel against authority. Like when I was a teenager and twisted the rules, not badly enough to be really shocking, but just bad enough to get some attention, to get noticed, to push the boundaries and make authority question my commitment.
This rebel from within is the need to eat in quantities and to binge on foods that are not good for me (I still don't have the control to have one biscuit, it is all or nothing with me), and the authority is the therapy and the hypnoband, it is almost like I have to eat too much to prove to myself that the therapy and band are working and that somewhere there is something that will convince me that the binging is not doing me any good. Yes, you guessed it. I have been good all day, not through choice, just because that is how I behave for the majority of the time, and then, after dinner, I am full - I don't need anymore food, I have to eat three fingers of twirl chocolate. Why? A I was eating it, I knew I didn't actually want it and I knew I felt sick, I don't even like them but I ate them anyway. Ican't make sense of that and now wish I hadn't eaten them. The thing is that until today, I felt good about myself, my jeans felt baggier and I actually looked at myself in the mirror, not just my face, but me, my whole body and it wasn't too repulsive, it still looked big and fat and lumpy, but not as big and fat and lumpy as it did, I could see where my waist used to be and I could see curves rather than huge undulating tyres.
Now I am convinced that if I look in the mirror again I will see those spare tyres again, all because of three fingers of chocolate. The last session that Adrian sent me was about making choices, about me deciding which path I want to take for my 'thinner' future, (well I think that was what it was about as I don't always remember much of them). I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that I should not be left in control to make decisions for myself, I am not ready to choose which path to take and still need more guidance to make the right choices that will lead me to success. Might listen to that session again tonight and see if tomorrow is a better day
Monday 1st March
Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all? Well, not me - I am definitely not Snow White, but you know what? I am not one of the ugly sisters any more either. I began to wonder the other day which came first: I am in a bit of a chicken and egg situation. I have lost some weight and I do feel better about myself and more confident, I would even go as far as saying I don't despise myself any more, but not as far as saying I am happy with myself, but definitely happier. So which came first - the confidence and self belief or the weight loss? I have pondered over this a lot and you know, I think they are intrinsically linked.
Wednesday 3rd March
I am finding it harder to write my diary now because I don't really think about food, diet or weight loss.
It all seems to just happen now. I am enjoying going to the gym and exercising. Since I have lost weight, I am much more focussed and enthusiastic. So I have to remind myself to make my entries, although it is good to put my thoughts down and interesting to read them back to see what I felt like.
Thursday 4th March 2010
I was talking to a friend today about the programme and it made me realise that I don't see myself as being on a diet. I never feel deprived that I am not eating something and I don't feel like there is anything that I can't eat.
I still enjoy my food, but I don't live for it or allow it to rule my life. There are still fundamental flaws and demons that will trip me up and set me up to fail but I think I am winning and for the first time in years I feel back in control of my life and fairly happy with my lot.
Saturday 5th March 2010
How could I be so confident and self assured?
I have not stood on the scales since Christmas.
I haven't even been tempted to stand on the scales, I have been confident that all the therapy from Adrian and my self control, along with changes in my thinking and behaviour have meant that I have been slowly burning away those fat cells and that I look better. So what is different today? I went shopping. Big mistake.
I am smaller than I was and in fact tried on three different pairs of jeans in one shop to get the right size. But it was disappointing, and I almost feel like I have cheated by trying on clothes, but I can't not buy anything until I am where I want to be. Now in my mind there are five possible reasons for my disastrous trip:
1. All the shops have suddenly made their clothes smaller, especially Next.
2. I have been brainwashed by Adrian and I just believe I look better but in fact I am still the same as I was at Christmas.
3. I was a lot fatter than I ever admitted so have much further to go than I had imagined.
4. I have unrealistic goals.
5. I am expecting too much too soon.
I think the most likely answer is number 5.
Get a grip girl! So what do I do to cheer myself up? Yep you have guessed it. I ate a Time Out bar and a packet of Minstrels! Did I feel better? Nope. Did I enjoy them? Nope. I now feel like I have completely failed myself, not my kids, not Adrian, not anyone else, just me. No pressure then! I just don't seem to be able to shrug off those comfort eating 'rewards'.
Monday 8th March
I am confused today.
I think that the effects of my failed shopping trip have made me think - maybe too much.
When I first saw Adrian he talked about size and weight, he asked me what I would like to weigh and what size I would like to be. I told him quite firmly that for me, size wasn't the issue and neither was weight, that I would know when I had achieved my goals by how I felt physically, not by what dress size I could fit into. I honestly believed that was how I felt.
WAKE UP! This just another of my fat hiding, denial tactics. If I never give a goal weight then I will always succeed, if I don't manage to lose weight, then I can tell everyone that I am at the weight that I feel comfortable with, more importantly I can tell ME that I have succeeded and am the perfect body size for me. I may even go back to the old sayings of being 'big boned'.
I have to come to terms with the fact that I am fat F.A.T. And that until I accept this and really get my head around some of the issues and habits that I practise, then nothing will change, no-one can do this for me.
It is a journey that I have to be in control of and need to take charge of. Obviously not on my own, but maybe with Adrian's help I can lock all the skeletons away for good, slay the demons and move on with the rest of my life.
I feel happy that I have admitted all this to myself but ashamed that for years I have been hiding behind this fat person who gets by on denial, jokes and a happy smile! The mask I have lived behind for many years is finally being broken down and I am not sure I like the reality very much.
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